FORGED BY FAITH Josh Reed

[00:00:00] On this episode of the AMPD UP211 Podcast, we're diving into the powerful story of resilience

[00:00:06] and faith with Josh Reed. After a life-changing motorcycle accident led to the amputation of his leg,

[00:00:12] Josh faced an incredibly difficult journey, one filled with pain, isolation, and uncertainty.

[00:00:18] But through his unwavering faith and support of a close-knit community and his involvement

[00:00:23] with the 4-durethreat, Josh transformed his pain into purpose. Now as a leader in mentor, he's helping

[00:00:29] others find strength in his own struggles. Join us as we explore how Josh overcame his darkest

[00:00:35] days on the AMPD UP211 Podcast.

[00:00:49] Josh Reed, Good to see you my friend. How are you today?

[00:00:52] I'm doing great. It's a little bit cloudy in LA but can't complain.

[00:00:57] You're in LA. I did not know that. What part?

[00:01:01] Yeah. I live in Central LA on your anglewood.

[00:01:05] Okay. Yeah. All the ideas used to live in Chicago.

[00:01:09] When did you live in Chicago? I missed that part of your bio.

[00:01:14] Yeah, it was a 2014 to 2019 lived up an edge water so that was a past life back in the

[00:01:22] two-legged world. That's cool. I always say that too when I talk about myself with two legs.

[00:01:30] I say yeah in my past life. It's a perspective change isn't it?

[00:01:39] When I feel and I don't know where you're at with this, how long have you been an MPT?

[00:01:46] Going on five years. Five years. Okay. So I've just got a couple of years on you.

[00:01:51] I feel like when I say those things that it's this process where I've really accepted.

[00:02:02] You know, where I'm at. I don't really see it as, you know,

[00:02:10] it's not as new anymore. It's not as, you know, I'm not adapting as much. I mean, we're always adapting,

[00:02:16] right? Because every day is a little different and things. There's challenges

[00:02:20] and setbacks and all that stuff. But I feel in so many ways, like this is just normal life now.

[00:02:27] And yeah, I'm looking forward to that moment when I can say, I really don't even think about it at

[00:02:34] all anymore. It's just, it's just who I am. And you know, I think that's one of the beautiful

[00:02:42] things about struggle is we slowly put those little pieces together, you know, of resilience.

[00:02:48] And we get to that sort of those little milestones of, yeah, I'm okay with this. This is okay.

[00:02:55] You know, there's life after a motorcycle accident and I want to learn a little bit more about

[00:03:04] and if you don't mind sharing with our listeners, you know, what happened to you?

[00:03:12] And, you know, subsequent surgeries and things that went on, you know, post trauma.

[00:03:21] Because I'm not a trauma survivor. You know, my, my amputation was not necessarily elective,

[00:03:31] but it wasn't the result, you know, of what you went, something similar to what you went through.

[00:03:38] So if you don't mind sharing that, that would be great.

[00:03:41] Yeah, so I moved out here from Chicago in beginning a May 2019 because if you stay in the summers

[00:03:50] of Chicago, you end up looping the next year. So you got to leave, leave at the end of spring

[00:03:54] when you're still miserable there. Oh yeah. So I came out here in May and I worked in physical therapy

[00:04:01] as my career and was able to transfer out here, stayed in the same company, pretty easy transition.

[00:04:09] Six months later, so November of 2019 I was headed home from the gym.

[00:04:15] Went swimming with my girlfriend, did a workout with my friend, coming home and

[00:04:22] take those using ways so it took me on this weird route. That was like, I don't know, never been doing this

[00:04:27] before. Let's do it and I clipped at very end of an entrance from my own curve and

[00:04:35] it was about 8 30 at night, the roads were pretty empty and like I said, I clipped it and it

[00:04:41] threw me about 100 feet before I came to a stop. Luckily, I was only going about 65 because you know,

[00:04:47] those crazy motorcycles or riders they like to get a little bit more speed. They go so fast.

[00:04:54] But I was going about 65 and came to a stop and I was still in the entrance lane and

[00:05:02] I looked down and I'll save some of the graphics but saw my leg was barely attached

[00:05:09] and I didn't want to get a buy car. So I scooted off the lane under the shoulder

[00:05:18] and pretty crazy, especially coming from a world of physical therapy. I was also a personal trainer,

[00:05:25] a massage therapist so everything was about the body. I looked down. Okay, how are we going to process

[00:05:32] this? How are we going to deal with this? And a car came up behind me and stopped and it was

[00:05:40] coupled from up in Sacramento, San Francisco area. One was a nurse practitioner and her partner was

[00:05:49] a midwife. Incredible. And they had emergency turnicates in the car and I was down for probably

[00:05:58] a few minutes before they got there and losing a lot of blood when I got to the hospital,

[00:06:04] and they were having to put four units in me because I was pretty depleted. But laying there and

[00:06:13] I'm a Christian so for the viewers who understand this, okay but it was very much an audible voice

[00:06:21] of God being like if you want to let go that's okay. Like, we're getting through this and

[00:06:28] I was laying there and I was like no, no I'm going to get through this. I'm not given up.

[00:06:34] I'm not letting go. I've still got way more life to do and it was all right. All right, let's do this

[00:06:41] then and that's about the time that the car came up. So really that moment right there is the only

[00:06:47] thing that evokes a motion with me. Everything else I've said time and time again, I very much believe

[00:06:55] that you should tell your story until you get bored with it. Yeah, that's a great way to put it.

[00:07:03] Because then you you duplicate yourself on those like strong flashbacks that that PTSD mentality

[00:07:09] like I process by the accepted I've gone through this. It's an extraordinary, extraordinary set of

[00:07:17] circumstances because for someone like yourself who's very much not even in your career focused but

[00:07:25] also yourself as a person you're very body focused, right? Because you're you know you're in physical

[00:07:34] therapy your athletic your fit you know your your body is something that is very much a

[00:07:44] part of your daily routine and to suddenly be in that situation and look down and I think the

[00:07:53] you put it which is extraordinary to me it's like okay let's do an assessment like what

[00:08:00] needs to happen right in this situation it's a problem to solve. Now most of us would just be screaming

[00:08:12] an agony you know probably thinking like okay these are the last moments of my life

[00:08:19] and I can't believe this happened and it's just that shock and astonishment and just

[00:08:25] flooded flooded flooded of emotions and you were like okay wait a minute what needs to happen right now

[00:08:33] how do I how do I care for myself in this particular moment and I've heard this before

[00:08:41] and I think I reacted when you said nurse practitioner. I've known people that have gone through

[00:08:48] traumas and nurses show up. Yeah it's like they're there. It's it to me if there's any indication

[00:09:00] that people get put in places for a reason you know talking about your faith and God and

[00:09:08] moving those chess pieces around let's say I had an experience I was actually on my way this was

[00:09:16] during the time that I had my own health issues but I was on my way to a hospital in Chicago

[00:09:24] and I'm driving on I want to say it was wasn't 294 it was I think was 292 east

[00:09:35] and heading into the city and I see a girl just laying like on like a portion of a median

[00:09:44] just laying there lifeless so I get my car to a safe spot where it won't get hit I walk over

[00:09:53] and she's just laying there and all the sudden I realize I look over and her car is buried

[00:10:00] in some trees and bushes and stuff like I don't know maybe 150 feet away

[00:10:07] so I know this is an emergent situation but I'm not a medical person I'm just trying to figure out

[00:10:13] what's happening and I'm thinking okay she crashed over there she stumbled over here

[00:10:21] and she collapsed in the street I'm not kidding you Josh from behind me running up to us

[00:10:32] nurse practitioner yeah they're amazing I was like what is the timing this is incredible

[00:10:41] what put you here right yeah there's I do believe there's that divine intervention

[00:10:49] that can occur when things are bad things are happening because I hear this over and over again

[00:10:57] you're not the first person to say I experience this horrible trauma and a nurse was you know on

[00:11:05] standby ready to go right so emergency turniquit what happens next so it took about a half

[00:11:14] hour before the ambulance got there cut off all my clothes biggest group of people I've ever been

[00:11:22] naked in front of so last about that even as I was on the freeway I was like this is kind of crazy

[00:11:29] I'm very open right now so they give me loaded into an ambulance give me to seeter Sinai

[00:11:37] which I can't say enough good things about that hospital the physical therapist,

[00:11:44] occupational the surgeons, the nursing staff, the CNAs everything about that hospital was

[00:11:52] very good to me and I'm very thankful for it so was there like was there a limb salvage or was it

[00:12:00] was there nothing tried? one's we got in the operating room I was awake through the whole time

[00:12:08] we got to the operating room and the doctors are like hey we're here you can like go now

[00:12:12] like and I was like okay got it and I was out because I knew I started letting go I was going to go

[00:12:23] so three days and I see you had multiple surgeries I broke my forearm on the right side

[00:12:30] crushed my hand on the left side so it was on my chest they were trying to salvage the limb

[00:12:38] because I still had nerve connection as I was going to not the ambulance like I told the guy like

[00:12:43] I can still move my toes I can still feel my foot because I didn't know if they could maybe do

[00:12:47] some kind of knee replacement something but the surgeons that every time they tried to attach

[00:12:53] the blood vessels and they opened it up my blood pressure would plummet so they weren't able to salvage

[00:12:59] the limb it was near my leg so I think they made the right decision.

[00:13:06] you ended up below or above the knee? I'm above the knee.

[00:13:11] yeah my knee took the full impact of everything just kind of exploded.

[00:13:17] I see you for three days and then I was in the hospital for the next two months

[00:13:23] I had a total of 13 surgeries. I got infected so they had to remove some extra meat

[00:13:33] they had to shorten the femur a little bit because I didn't want to do a skin graft

[00:13:37] because any time you get a skin graft, the best skin is going to be weaker for the rest of your life

[00:13:42] and I did not want to risk the skin breakdown and a lot of that is due to working in physical therapy

[00:13:49] working especially with people with diabetes and their fragile skin already.

[00:13:54] I didn't want to be in that circumstance so got out after two months and 13 surgeries later

[00:14:03] and had to move houses and did up having a roommate everything was different.

[00:14:10] I had to learn to drive with my left leg. Me too.

[00:14:16] Yeah it's weird right?

[00:14:19] The thing that I found it's a great thing to bring up because people asked me that all the time

[00:14:26] they were like yeah I noticed you're right leg MPT how do you drive and the thing I thought was

[00:14:33] kind of interesting the first time I used an adaptive device to drive a car with my left foot

[00:14:41] right away I noticed wow my my cab muscle my left ankle it's not used to doing this

[00:14:51] it's not that I'm a drummer so I'm used to doing things with my feet complex things with my feet

[00:14:58] it wasn't so much rewiring my brain that okay it's your left foot now that that wasn't the issue

[00:15:06] it was more like these muscles are not you take for granted when you when you drive as a young

[00:15:14] person and you develop that muscle right to drive and suddenly you switch to the leg

[00:15:22] that's been essentially for many many years sitting dormant on the left side

[00:15:29] suddenly you're like hey you you've got to do the work now and I thought god oh my leg like it hurt

[00:15:36] right that I don't hear the sore like my leg is sore why I was driving what's that all

[00:15:45] you found a down here and we'll set up at all so my foot is crossed over and I'm doing this the whole time

[00:15:51] yeah that's even harder drive off switching my car over by that's even harder

[00:15:57] yeah because you because you and you don't do you don't a prosthesis when you're driving

[00:16:05] you take it off I keep it on you keep it on but you just rotate it okay yeah but you have to

[00:16:12] basically kind of step like almost like kind of cross your thigh a little bit right in order to do

[00:16:20] it or is it more position differently when you're sitting in the car I just just a little bit

[00:16:25] bring the leg over it's not too bad I thought about like I said throwing on adapter pedals or

[00:16:31] like a flip-flop pedal I think they call it yeah but there's never really worth it yeah my

[00:16:36] no that's great I mean again so much of this I always say is this massive exercise in adaptation

[00:16:45] doing all the things I did yeah doing all the things I did but they just they're different

[00:16:52] it's just different that's all and whatever that is driving a car riding a bike whatever it is

[00:17:00] yeah it's gonna feel different but as we develop those new muscle memories and our brains

[00:17:06] continually get rewired like over and over and over again because someone will say to me well you

[00:17:13] know what does that feel like riding a bike and I'll say well at first really really strange

[00:17:21] because my foot you know doesn't know where the pedal is and I didn't I didn't feel comfortable

[00:17:27] like clipping in or anything I was like I was like terrified that I was gonna fall especially

[00:17:33] when I first started riding again but now because I've developed so much muscle memory in my residual

[00:17:40] limb I know what it feels like when my foot is square on the pedal I don't even have to look

[00:17:47] I don't and I have to look down anymore it just it just happens over time where your brain goes you

[00:17:54] have that those aha moments where the brain goes yeah that's what it feels like yeah that's what

[00:18:00] it feels like that's what it feels like exactly I will say though the first time I started riding

[00:18:05] a bike again I used to be a pretty avid cyclist I've done half iron man wow whole century rides

[00:18:13] like next lago I've yeah I sat on the saddle a lot yeah and like clicked into the pedal

[00:18:20] I my friend is mechanic a bike mechanic so we have an altered seat for me to fit the prosthetic

[00:18:25] and that into work with that so I started a pedal and I couldn't get out of my prosthetic side

[00:18:32] and I was like oh and I fell over but going two miles an hour just slowly to go over and

[00:18:38] miles and I've done that too where you're not even moving so much but you're just kind of like boom

[00:18:44] I'm going from laughing I mean you okay yeah all right I just feel like an idiot all right

[00:18:51] but what are you gonna do yeah we would you have to we were at a we were on a bike ride once in

[00:18:58] in the city you know because Chicago has some great you know bike paths along like sure drive

[00:19:05] in numerous places and we're with a friend non-AMPT and you know he's you know sort of like

[00:19:14] charging ahead of us and in going in places that I thought well that's kind of dangerous or

[00:19:20] and I think he had more of a mountain biking kind of background which I'm more of a touring kind of

[00:19:26] cyclist like I need to be on flat surfaces and we got up to this like little hill like in a park

[00:19:33] where you just wanted to go down and I'm looking over to my left like there's a way to get down

[00:19:38] like easily right there but no he just kind of forged ahead and for whatever reason I sort of

[00:19:46] stuttered right and sometimes when you pause that's a bad idea like you just have to go right

[00:19:54] so I kind of paused and sort of like got disoriented and there were people around me so I just

[00:20:02] didn't recover from it like right away and I did one of those like I went forward like two inches

[00:20:08] and just went boom just fell on my side and everyone's like oh my gosh half laughing are you okay

[00:20:18] the only thing hurt is my pride exactly I'm like super embarrassed but I'm fine

[00:20:24] you know talking about going through such a traumatic event I want to take you back to maybe

[00:20:37] some of what you were feeling in terms of loss and you know what emotional set you experienced

[00:20:48] coming out of that life-changing event certainly there's all the logistical parts of

[00:20:56] changing your life and changing your routine and all that stuff but I want to go if it's okay

[00:21:03] a little deeper into you know where was your head at when you got let's call it home like

[00:21:09] what were you feeling what were you thinking yeah so being in the hospital two months gives you

[00:21:15] a lot of time to thank you can only count the ceiling tiles so many times so I have an uncle who was

[00:21:23] bilateral below the knee due to jumping on the train back when he was young and he had a life that

[00:21:31] was full of just anger a lifelong victim never really processed the emotions strong addictions to alcohol

[00:21:41] and drugs and growing up I saw that and it was scary for me it was this is an example of what

[00:21:50] not to be growing up so as I'm laying in the hospital I had a really take time and build a strong

[00:21:59] platform and I encourage everybody to do this especially amputees like build this foundation

[00:22:08] of what you are going to be and what you are not gonna be and I saw him and how we processed it

[00:22:15] and how we just ruined lives of people around him because he couldn't get through the trauma

[00:22:20] and I was like I'm not gonna be like that this is hard it's not fun I didn't want this but I'm not

[00:22:29] gonna be a victim I'm not gonna be angry I'm gonna work I'm gonna over at home this and that's it

[00:22:37] like that is the foundation that I'm setting today and I had to really think about it and deeply

[00:22:44] embedded because I knew I would have to come back to it when days got hard when things feel like

[00:22:51] I can overcome so really that is the period where my recovery started and it's very much as

[00:23:00] as you know becoming an amputee is more about the emotional and the mental recovery than it is

[00:23:05] the physical recovery from the days that we have to process the PTSD and the depression

[00:23:12] and things are hard and maybe there's pain for it a lot of pain for you thrown in there as well

[00:23:17] it can be very overwhelming and so if we don't have those boundaries if we don't have a strong

[00:23:24] foundation it's gonna crush us yeah it's a really good point and I think that I was similar

[00:23:33] in that regard now fortunately for myself I had some time to prepare and what I mean by that is

[00:23:41] I again I wasn't victim of a traumatic event it wasn't just taken away from me suddenly

[00:23:49] I kind of knew this was coming and then my surgery was to be quite honest was almost a relief

[00:23:57] but nothing takes away the pain of looking down you know at that big swollen stump

[00:24:04] you know I hate that word by the way I don't know why it's just like a stigma with me

[00:24:10] you know I always think of a stump as like this ugly thing right in your backyard there's a

[00:24:15] stump out there so looking down at my residual limb for the first time and of course it's you

[00:24:23] it's just this big swollen you know kind of mess and there's this part of you that's gone

[00:24:32] and I recall shortly after I came home having panic attacks and I would describe it as

[00:24:46] feeling almost like a tingling in my residual limb but something something was some signal

[00:24:53] was going to my brain that was saying it's something's missing like it's something's missing like

[00:25:01] there's an emergency like my brain was almost trying to tell me something's wrong something's really

[00:25:07] really wrong with you right now and someone in PT speaking of PT had told me you know

[00:25:20] if that's something that you have experience it's it's really important to breathe and it's

[00:25:25] really important just to gently kind of massage your limb it's a way of training your brain

[00:25:31] to understand that this is where you end now and it's okay that there isn't a part of you missing

[00:25:39] anymore um this is just how you're built now and I really appreciated that because it helped

[00:25:46] but I I have to be honest um I very much employed what you're talking about initially

[00:25:52] which was the I'm not gonna let this break me I'm not gonna let this change me I'm gonna overcome

[00:25:59] this now fast forward five six seven years honestly Josh I have moments where I'm very sad

[00:26:10] like I'm very sad about the loss and I'm you know generally to be quite honest I'm more active now

[00:26:23] as an PT then I was before my amputation in my past life right so by all accounts and measures

[00:26:34] um you know fitter than I've ever been I'm happier I'm doing more with my life I'm more engaged

[00:26:42] I'm more appreciative I'm more present and I'm loving myself like my life depends on it now

[00:26:51] so why this wave of sadness I don't know and it's it's fleeting but I'll just have those moments

[00:27:01] where I look down and I'm like wow that's pretty messed up everyone this is Rick Bancowski from

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[00:30:06] most frustrating task I hear when it comes to opening medication and stuff like that this is

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[00:31:44] I think that's completely normal though right yeah like if we have somebody that's close to a

[00:31:49] sky we don't just stop missing them and some days you really miss them and most of the time you're

[00:31:57] like you know what I enjoyed my experiences I have great memories I will always love them

[00:32:02] I'm okay then sometimes it's just that gut punch and it's like wow today is just hard

[00:32:08] so I recently got married this spring congratulations and thank you and

[00:32:16] you know thinking about what the family gonna look like what's our future gonna look like

[00:32:21] am I gonna be I'm never gonna be able to pick up and run with the kids

[00:32:25] I'm never gonna be able to do this I'm never gonna be able to do that

[00:32:28] and sometimes it gets really heavy and kind of sad for things that haven't even happened right yeah

[00:32:35] I think about it and it's like is it is it a sadness or is it a fear that I'm not going to be

[00:32:42] able to fulfill something that they need like what is it and there's nothing wrong with feeling sad

[00:32:49] if you start dwelling in that sadness if you start letting it overtake you

[00:32:54] if you start only thinking about what's not gonna be there then you lose out on so much of what's

[00:33:01] already there so much as an amputeuse you know that we're gonna be able to adapt and change

[00:33:07] and do and who knows what technology is gonna be in 10 15 20 years. It's exciting but we can get

[00:33:13] so stuck in that moment and it just will overtake us it'll lead to the depression lead to the

[00:33:24] we stop contributing to the world at that point we're just slowly dying inside and we're throwing

[00:33:30] away the life that we've been given and which is a gay like yeah I mean I have I have hard days sometimes

[00:33:39] especially the amperversory comes up uh most are always kind of harder days uh you know I'm I'm

[00:33:47] very much less to be alive but on those days I really try to take that step back and it be

[00:33:53] retrospective and especially the first couple years it was terrible and then since then it's like okay

[00:33:58] what have I done this last year what have I overcome this last year what are my goals for next year

[00:34:04] and instead of having a being this hard day it's where am I going yeah and it's so much about

[00:34:14] healing is perspective accepting what happened and then changing your view to allow you to keep growing

[00:34:22] and jump into my story that that first year I was like I'm gonna overcome this

[00:34:28] I'm not gonna let it get be down and then COVID started and I was like okay well this sucks but I got this

[00:34:34] and then I got my first prosthetic leg and they wanted to do like telehealth and I was like well

[00:34:39] that's not gonna work so cancel that and but I'm gonna get through this and my first year

[00:34:44] it was the slow decline into isolation into just I'm surviving isn't that enough

[00:34:58] and it was everything I could do to hold on yeah I hadn't put that together in your timeline so

[00:35:06] during during some of those really in critical moments of development as an amputee now

[00:35:13] given that you're you were active you're very much in that physical you know fitness space

[00:35:22] physical therapy being a fit young guy you're probably like let's go like I need to get back

[00:35:30] to what I was and doing what I want to do and then COVID shows up because everyone's got a

[00:35:41] COVID just arrived and it was like oh no like now what do we do and for someone like yourself

[00:35:50] and I appreciate this man talk about bad timing like I need to be getting back to normal

[00:35:57] this COVID stuff what are you kidding me I can't I can't do what to tell a health for

[00:36:03] I mean it was it was they tried it was just it's not working with learning how to walk again

[00:36:12] and but I went through set up my short-term goals my long-term goals I recorded myself

[00:36:17] standing at weight shifting transferring from sit to stand watched myself walk with crutches

[00:36:24] learning to walk without crutches everything was recorded everything was analyzed everything

[00:36:29] had a plan yeah and it was very much like I have to remove my emotions from this and I have to fix it

[00:36:36] and I think I did it the right way I'm not gonna be hard on myself about that but everything

[00:36:41] I was doing physically I wasn't doing emotional I wasn't having flashbacks or nightmare so

[00:36:48] how could I have PTSD I'm waking up and showing up and I'm not using pain meds so how can you say

[00:36:57] I'm making all these excuses for what I'm not doing and about one year later who's the end of

[00:37:03] October my wife now of her name's Grace she was like drop-sh I can't do this anymore

[00:37:13] I love you but it's killing me and I was like what do you mean I'm doing everything I can

[00:37:18] she's like I know and I love you but I can't and I was like I'll do better and you know

[00:37:27] immediately start bargaining immediately start that negotiation and it was terrible but it was also one of the

[00:37:36] best things and I she left I spent a couple days and just pure morning and then it was like why would

[00:37:44] she want me like what am I actually doing I'm I'm surviving I'm not dying and that's supposed to be good enough

[00:37:52] yeah and it took some time I found a therapist I started journaling again I started really trying to

[00:38:01] process process what it was and one of the best things my therapist did like one she was like

[00:38:07] Josh just because you don't have nightmares and flashbacks doesn't mean you don't have PTSD so

[00:38:12] acknowledge what it actually is and every time I start making excuses or dodging the questions she

[00:38:19] called me out on it and she's like this upper 70s by foot nothing 100 pound backs and she'd be like

[00:38:26] are you ready to stop lying to me and like you're really actually talk about this or you're going to

[00:38:33] keep avoiding it and I had to be called out uh and so I started studying started like processing on

[00:38:41] how I'm dealing with what I'm actually going through I started a men's group with with some

[00:38:48] different guys that I've known from different churches and that's been going on now for

[00:38:53] about four years where I meet with them once a week on zoom and it's just kind of like

[00:39:00] what are we going through how can we help support each other how can we be vulnerable and build that trust

[00:39:08] because without that support if you're trying to do it only alone you're not going to get anywhere

[00:39:14] yeah um and then so it was all that and then one thing that Grace had said to me she was like

[00:39:23] Josh you're so busy running away from something that you're not running to anything

[00:39:28] and that's that with me because the path looks the same but the intention that perspective behind that

[00:39:36] is completely different and so I was like I have to start running to something

[00:39:43] I have to start contributing I have to be something in this world I survived and now I'm throwing it

[00:39:49] away you know yeah and so that first year was learning to walk learning to ride a bike learning to

[00:39:55] lift weights but emotionally dying and then after that it was I'm actually healing I'm actually

[00:40:01] contributing I'm actually growing uh and to the point where you know by time that second year was

[00:40:08] done I looked at myself and I was like you know what I think I am a better person today

[00:40:12] wish I had my leg I wish I was as strong as I was but who I am as a person is completely different

[00:40:22] and I I also much of it to her first saying Josh I can't do it yeah I you know that's a beautiful

[00:40:30] I mean God wanted an incredible comeback story and for her to love you enough to tell you

[00:40:37] you know hey you know I I see you and it's it's not good and that takes a lot of strength

[00:40:50] and a lot of it's a lot of courage to learn yeah it takes a lot of courage to tell someone especially

[00:40:55] after they've gone through something like what you've gone through because very often people will just

[00:41:02] back away like yeah there's a lot that's a lot there's a lot there there's a lot a lot of layers and

[00:41:09] and for her to just sort of cut through that and say no I can't do this I can't I can't stay on this

[00:41:19] train with you and just to sort of shake you and get you to recognize that you were just at the

[00:41:29] beginnings of that emotional process that healing process and there was so much work ahead

[00:41:37] which was gonna require you to get really really uncomfortable because so much of that healing

[00:41:44] you know we're men traditionally you know the physical part you know putting your leg in a

[00:41:51] prosthesis and building your gate again and you know getting active and sweating it out

[00:41:58] men no offense that's easy yeah like we can do that we you know we're physical specimens that can

[00:42:08] overcome those challenges right but I think where we tend to lack or fail at times

[00:42:18] is understanding the emotional component and how much healing is required in that emotional space

[00:42:27] to make those gains and to flex that sort of muscle again right because so so much of that

[00:42:36] resilience and so much of that you know being present and being engaged and feeling all those things

[00:42:44] that you should feel going back to what I had mentioned which I appreciate your comment

[00:42:51] yeah I feel like there's still those parts of me that has to revisit disappointment

[00:42:57] that has to revisit sorrow that has to revisit loss and manage it receive it right accept it

[00:43:08] and then start to do the work to heal to tell yourself it's okay to feel that way

[00:43:15] it's okay to have that bad day right that was a bad day and you're going to have that again

[00:43:22] that's not going to go away and that analogy with losing someone it's it's so incredibly true

[00:43:30] that you know we we we can celebrate you know someone's life and what they meant to us and

[00:43:36] wax nostalgic about memories of them but then there's that moment where you go they're gone

[00:43:44] yeah that's hard you know that's that's when the clouds you know come in and cash shade and

[00:43:53] it's like uh and that feeling probably will never go away but we learn how to manage it

[00:44:01] it's just it's learning how to cope and get through that stuff um I want to talk about uh

[00:44:08] the forge and yeah there were a treat um tell me a little bit more about how that came about

[00:44:17] and then I want to dive into sort of your your path and what seems to be it had a profound effect on you

[00:44:28] yeah so uh and the forge is part of beautifully flawed uh I have I had notes over here because I was like

[00:44:36] what do I need to remember because I'm not going to I got notes too yes it's all good

[00:44:43] so beautifully flawed it's uh was started by Bethany Hamilton uh who we know Loster Arm

[00:44:49] when she was a I kid from a shark attack went on to be a professional surfer lives in Hawaii

[00:44:56] she started friends of Bethany Hamilton in 2007 and then it was rebranded it's a beautifully

[00:45:04] flawed foundation and it started out uh as a women's retreat and then it started incorporating men

[00:45:16] and that was only in 2020 so January of 2020 the forge was started and it was all before just before

[00:45:24] the COVID things started and so they were able to have one retreat in in Hawaii and then since then

[00:45:30] it's moved to Delmar uh so I started in 2022 with my first year so it hasn't been going on

[00:45:41] very long I missed the first two and I heard about it I'm like a podcast or I was just scrolling

[00:45:47] through something and so I just stumbled across it and I was like that would be cool so it's a Christian

[00:45:54] organization that's focused on like surfing and being physical it's with other men who are

[00:46:03] amputees and I was like this this could be something that's that could be beneficial

[00:46:08] I'm going to throw myself at it cost money that I don't have but if something's going to be

[00:46:13] impactful you need to invest in it yep and so I was like let's throw some things up money I don't

[00:46:19] have that this unless let's go and I'm going to make the most out of it to get my money is where

[00:46:25] maybe meet a few people I don't really hang out with amputees let's see let's see

[00:46:30] and so they split the week into into a first half and second half and all journeys between the men

[00:46:36] and the women and so I get there I have four days with some people I don't know I'm one of the

[00:46:48] like in their 20s which is fine with me and I went I was like okay this is pretty cool some of

[00:46:57] these guys you know I hear their story and there's our MMPTs they're like MPTs there's my laterals

[00:47:06] I guess it's okay and so they have lessons are not lessons like they have like speakers

[00:47:13] you have a devotion in the morning you build this camaraderie with this other guys

[00:47:17] and like most things like if you're willing to throw yourself at it you're always going to get

[00:47:21] a lot more out of it you can't you can't force for something on somebody who doesn't want it

[00:47:27] and so I was like let's let's let's get this and so like date two or date three

[00:47:34] it's like I think this is really good for my healing so the focus on that week was really about seeing

[00:47:43] ourselves for who we are and really trying to find our identity and that was really big for me

[00:47:52] that year especially because that's where I was those some of those areas that I was really

[00:47:56] struggling with and being around being around MPTs like that I have to be honest because I you know

[00:48:05] went to some support groups shortly after my amputation and it was it was difficult for me

[00:48:16] and I mean now I mean these are my people now and you know I'm very much embrace it

[00:48:23] and you know I have great engagement with our audience with MPTs that I meet if I go to conventions

[00:48:29] whatever I feel very much at home but initially for me it was it was kind of tricky and

[00:48:38] I don't I don't know why but at the same time do you do you feel like that was I don't know

[00:48:49] like an opportunity for you to kind of you know kind of get out of that comfort zone

[00:48:57] and do some things experience some things where you tapped into some energy that maybe you didn't

[00:49:03] know was there physically not really it was fun but I have a background in being physically demanding

[00:49:14] on myself and so there's like surfing there's wake surfing there's like doing like jujitsu or doing

[00:49:23] process stuff so nothing not about was new since being in an amputee I don't jujitsu for like a year and

[00:49:29] half not in it right now I've gone surfing I've done bike so like nothing was really new but what was

[00:49:36] new was dealing was talking with these people who are dealing with some of the same problems that

[00:49:41] I look at myself and I don't recognize myself like I'm not ashamed of my scars I'm not ashamed

[00:49:48] that I don't have a leg but sometimes I don't recognize myself like you're saying like I stand in

[00:49:54] a mirror and I'm just like who are you you know especially in the beginning stages so the retreat

[00:50:03] was great that first year and I was like I want to get more involved in this and so

[00:50:10] reached out to a couple of the people that helped run it and then last year I picked up a leadership role

[00:50:17] and I spoke to the group once and kind of filled in and helped in some of those areas that I thought

[00:50:23] it could be better and from my perspective like it was a group of guys where most of them were returning

[00:50:30] and so even more camaraderie was built sure and we're able to bring in the few new guys

[00:50:37] and in this sense then as we prepare for this next retreat in a couple months

[00:50:43] I'm taking more of a leadership planning what the whole theme is going to be planning on like

[00:50:48] what the versus of the week who's going to be speaking how many times am I going to be speaking like

[00:50:52] what does it look like as we continue to grow this because it's still just a baby

[00:50:58] you know this is only year five of the retreat and I think every year it's gotten better

[00:51:05] I hope this year has even been continues to grow on that and continues to be better for my own

[00:51:10] side sake because I don't want to be taking a leadership role and have it not be good

[00:51:16] but really it's pushing yourself into the uncomfortable especially as as men like you said like

[00:51:23] we can face physical demands we look forward to it that pain, that pressure, that that

[00:51:31] is very part of us but it pushes you also to be vulnerable with these other guys and say man

[00:51:41] I'm also struggling with this whether it's depression or anxiety or addiction or or whatever

[00:51:50] it is it's helping open that up and give you a platform to speak on to be accepted on and show

[00:51:57] yourself at these guys who very much want to be there and support you. Where would someone need to go

[00:52:08] to learn more and engage? So on all the platforms it's at beautifully flawed foundation

[00:52:17] and then on Instagram it's at forge men's retreat. So those are where you can go it's also beautifully

[00:52:25] flawed foundation.com and registration is close for the year but there are still openings so

[00:52:32] somebody here is listening they're like wow that would be good for me or my friend cousin whoever

[00:52:38] let him know um direct them to us we are very much a year-round support

[00:52:46] there's a great community we still though have a couple months before the retreat so there's still

[00:52:51] this time. Now that's awesome but but really the more you can do to hone your situation

[00:52:59] to not have pity on yourself but I mean at same time having understanding of what you're going

[00:53:04] through and accept that and really just ride yourself to to healing let those people surround you

[00:53:15] let people uplift you on your circumstances. Oh absolutely I want to and overrun not a time but

[00:53:23] I want to talk a little bit more about how your faith has played a role in so much of this

[00:53:31] and you know provided a beacon you know of light for you to keep you on this path

[00:53:41] you know what what do you see faith is playing a role in this experience for you.

[00:53:50] So I grew up in church I grew up family devotions I grew going to a Christian school it was very

[00:53:57] much completely every aspect of my life which means I dinner really picks uh put the belly on

[00:54:06] that it deserved you just take it for granted. Went to college, had college years,

[00:54:13] living in Chicago and I was riding my bike home down the lake one night it was like 11 o'clock,

[00:54:20] pitch black and I just kind of broke and I was like what am I doing with my life I'm just

[00:54:27] there's so much hypocrisy in my life that I'm always wearing a mask I know who I'm supposed to be

[00:54:33] I'm grayish and pretending to be what I'm supposed to be. But what am I doing? And so that was my

[00:54:41] first real wake up call to looking at my life and claiming this faith, this this life

[00:54:49] for myself and not just because it's what I'm supposed to do. And then

[00:54:55] gone involved more involved with my church that I was going to there they had a

[00:55:01] pastor who was really focused on developing men in society and that was kind of put on me

[00:55:07] and I very much shifted my focus of there are not enough men in society. There's a lot of adult

[00:55:14] males but there's not a lot of men and I can't tell women what they're supposed to be

[00:55:21] or what they're supposed to do or the role they're supposed to fill.

[00:55:25] Well you can try. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's going to be a possible.

[00:55:32] But I can talk to other men. I can challenge them. I can help lead them. I can help guide them.

[00:55:37] I can help grow with them. And so got more involved in that started learning started studying

[00:55:45] started watching videos started healing moving out to LA got more involved at that like I said I

[00:55:52] started the men's group. And as I was going along you know your faith is challenged and if it

[00:55:59] doesn't get challenged you're not going to get stronger just like in the gym. You know work a

[00:56:03] muscle that muscles not getting stronger. And so losing my leg that's a big step of faith.

[00:56:10] Going through a breakup that's a big step of faith. Losing a job that's a big step of faith.

[00:56:16] And so there's these constant challenges and it's hard and some days it feels like you're

[00:56:21] going to fail. But then you look back over the last six months or the last year preparing for the next

[00:56:27] year and you're like I've gotten through that God was with me in that. I had a support system that

[00:56:34] came out of nowhere like that nurse who shows up. Yeah, I had friends that showed up. I had

[00:56:40] a pastor who showed up. I have people call me and be like haven't talked to you in years.

[00:56:45] And that support is there. And then I made phone calls and Facebook messages,

[00:56:50] pizza people and be like man two death gates ago. I was a real jerk and I'm sorry and I've been

[00:56:56] holding on to that. Man it's okay, like whatever it's fine. I'm like okay so I was able to unload

[00:57:03] some of that just the things that you do growing up you know and after forgive myself for it but I also

[00:57:09] wanted to let people know. I am sorry. And so through the last 10 years it's been a healing process

[00:57:20] internally. It's been a growing process especially spiritually and you know it's good days,

[00:57:31] it's hard days. It stays where you don't do what you're supposed to do and days where you do what

[00:57:35] you're not supposed to do but it's like this is who I am. This is where I'm at right now but it's also

[00:57:42] not where I have to stay. And so we keep pushing, I keep growing and it's very much been

[00:57:50] been that pillar in that comfort, in that part of my life that I know God's not going anywhere.

[00:58:00] Yeah and that you know that can tether us and although like you're saying you know we we operate

[00:58:08] in kind of a wide set of lanes sort of a wide highway but we need to be going in a particular

[00:58:16] direction and having that you know tends to keep us at least in that forward movement kind of place

[00:58:25] and having that you know those affirmations of you know why we're here and what we're meant to do

[00:58:32] not only for others but for ourselves and I think it's an incredible demonstration of strength

[00:58:39] and your correct faith and pressing into that, trusting in that and it being a guide you know

[00:58:48] so I would encourage everyone to check out the Forge Retreat and Josh is obviously out there on

[00:58:59] socials and I'm truly inspired by your story who was it Hugh Boyle that introduced us,

[00:59:10] fantastic fantastic guy really really appreciated his story as well and yeah it's really

[00:59:17] you that hand cast. Oh I appreciate that and you know I of course want to thank you but also

[00:59:25] go a step further and I so appreciate your transparency and what you sort of bring to this table

[00:59:33] and your vulnerability and giving of yourself and your emotions and I like to think myself that

[00:59:43] all of this sharing this is what being a man's all about and we you know people tend to think

[00:59:54] that you know men are not capable of what we're doing right now and I say no no men

[01:00:02] were emotional creatures and we're always seeking places to you know emotionally dump so to speak

[01:00:11] so yeah I mean yeah we're super well known for the hard physical stuff but

[01:00:19] you know most of us have a tender heart and we're trying to navigate those spaces as well so

[01:00:26] please give us the room to do so and you know I appreciate what you bring to the community. I appreciate

[01:00:33] what you're doing with your group and I would encourage you to stay on this advocacy path

[01:00:43] and just continue to be the rock star that you are in this amputee space.

[01:00:49] Such a pleasure to meet you everyone that's going to wrap it up for us that is Josh Reed

[01:00:56] please check them out my name is Rick Bonkowski this is the Amped Up to 11 podcast

[01:01:01] and I want to wish everyone help and happiness we'll see you next time